Anorgasmia

“Ask the Morningstars about Sex”

I’m a 29 years old and I’ve never had an orgasm. I have the kind of body that men desire and women envy. I’ve had loving relationships with wonderful men, and have gotten really good at faking it. Everyone says I am beautiful and attractive, but they don’t know that I’m dead down there. I want to have an orgasm before I turn 30!

First of all, it’s great that you’ve asked for help. That’s the most important step in solving this problem. And, it’s good to know that you are not alone. Primary anorgasmia, that is, never experiencing orgasm, affects over 10 million women in the United States. While anorgasmia is not a dangerous condition, it can be an important quality of life issue, since sexual pleasure is a fundamental part of what makes us human.

A variety of medical issues can inhibit orgasm. These include hormonal imbalances, neurologic diseases, spinal cord injuries, pelvic trauma and medication use, such as antidepressants and narcotics.

But we most often find that primary anorgasmia is rooted in early emotional wounding. Were you were raised to believe that sex is dirty or sinful? Were you shamed as a young girl for touching yourself and feeling pleasure? Were you molested or raped early in your sexual awakening? Perhaps challenging experiences with even well intended but inept partners have led you down a slippery slope of sexual frustration. If you’ve learned to associate sex with fear and pain it will be difficult for you to relax and open to pleasure. You need to feel physically and emotionally safe before you can fully surrender to your orgasmic energy.

Treatment might include counseling, hypnotherapy, kundalini yoga or other energy healing modalities to remove old obstacles and address current issues such as depression, anxiety, grief or feelings of guilt. We may also prescribe bio-identical hormones, or recommend sensitizing creams and perhaps hands on healing with a trained daka or dakini.

Many women find it’s easier at first to learn to orgasm with a solo self-pleasuring ritual. Create a sacred, private and comfortable space where you feel relaxed and free. Approach yourself as your own perfect lover, using soft lighting, music, candles and favorite scents to create an erotic ambiance. Explore yourself playfully and joyfully, at first without any particular goal or direction in mind! Be present to whatever sensations and emotions arise. Use whatever enhances your experience: natural lubricants, sex toys, wands, vibrators, water play, erotic books and movies. It’s fine to indulge in kinky fantasies or watch porn if that’s what turns you on, just be aware of pornography’s negative stereotypes and unrealistic expectations.

Be patient, persistent and playful. Make your sexual awakening a priority: Energy follows intention. Be kind to yourself and don’t feel pressured. Once you’ve achieved orgasm on your own, share your newfound knowledge with your partner. Discover what works best for you; most women rarely climax from the stimulation of intercourse alone.

Orgasmic ecstasy is our birthright. We are designed for sexual pleasure. Otherwise, why endow the clitoris with 8000 nerve endings solely for delight? Expect that your personal sexual evolution will continue to unfold throughout your life, and that your orgasmic potential will expand as you grow as a sexual being. In orgasm we merge with the divine. We expand our consciousness in union with the Infinite One.

“In the garden of the senses lies the pathway to the spirit.”
(found on the garden gate at California School of Herbal Studies, Forestville, CA)

Howard W Morningstar, MD, is a family physician, herbalist and tantra educator. Rabbi Sue Morningstar is a midwife, women’s health nurse practitioner and spiritual counselor. The Morningstars, lovers for 40 years, combine over 60 years of professional experience in holistic medicine at Morningstar Healing Arts, their Ashland, Oregon family practice and healing center.
www.morningstarhealingarts.net

This information is not a substitute for personalized medical care. Please consult your healthcare provider before acting on any of the information presented here.

Erectile “Dysfunction”

  “Ask the Morningstars About Sex”

We invite you to submit questions on any aspect of sexuality to us at info@loveashland.com

Please include your age and gender with your questions, and we will answer them here as wisely as we can.

I’ve been having trouble keeping my erection lately, so I went to my doctor for advice. She said “You’re 53 years old! What do you expect?” And then she wrote me a prescription for Viagra ™. I’m afraid to try it because I don’t like to take any drugs. What else can I do?

A healthy erection arises when your active masculine ‘Shiva’ energy is aroused by receptive feminine ‘Shakti’ energy. This polarity motivates the entire creative force of the universe.

You are not alone: almost every man experiences erectile difficulties at some point in his life. In fact, this is one of the most common questions we’re asked about in our medical practice, by both men and their partners. Your doctor’s comment about your age reflects the truth that male virility naturally decreases with age. However, most healthy men remain virile and sexually potent into their 80s and beyond. The common myth that “male potency peaks at around age 18” is complete nonsense.

Your body, mind and spirit must coordinate multiple factors to create a healthy sustained erection. First, you feel the pull of Shakti’s attractive polarity. Next, your brain sends a cascade of hormonal and neurological signals to your heart and genitals to increase blood flow to and inhibit outflow from the penis. This causes engorgement of the penis and the hard penetrating erection needed for intercourse and fertility. Anything that interrupts these pathways will cause your erection to waver and soften.

Erectile difficulties often reflect core identity issues of shame, masculinity and fear of aging. Your masculine identity is profoundly tied to your virility and erectile ability. Our language reflects this: To “testify” literally means to “swear by one’s testicles”. Before Viagra™ was introduced in 1998 this was a taboo subject. We can thank pharmaceutical companies’ marketing for making male erection an accepted topic of conversation.

First, you and your health care provider should investigate and correct possible medical issues contributing to the problem, including vascular and neurologic disease, diabetes, spinal cord issues and hormonal imbalance or testosterone deficiencies. Many prescription and recreational drugs, especially alcohol, blood pressure medicine and anti-depressants can also inhibit erectile function. It’s also important to recognize that not all practitioners are comfortable discussing sexuality, which may explain your doctor’s reflex prescribing of a “pill for the ill”.

On the emotional level: Are you attracted to your partner? Does your partner ‘light your fire’? What can you do to increase the polarity and attraction between you?

On the physical level, do you experience spontaneous nocturnal erections? If you do, this probably indicates that your hormonal, vascular and neurologic pathways are intact, and that the problem is most likely emotion based.

How is your libido in general? If it’s diminished, you may have testosterone deficiency. This common problem can often be corrected by stimulating your body’s natural production of testosterone by improving your aerobic fitness, reducing harmful emotional stress, and eating a well-balanced diet with lots of healthy protein, essential fatty acids and trace minerals. Herbs and supplements such as maca, ginseng and arginine may be helpful. Even patented drugs such as Viagra™ have appropriate use and value as they inhibit blood flow out of the penis once your erection is established.

Whatever is causing your problem, here are some practical ideas that can enhance your sexual experience. When your erection wavers stay connected with your partner! Don’t get lost in feelings of separation, inadequacy and shame. Gaze deeply into your partner’s eyes, breathe together and express your love and devotion. Stay inside your partner even when you are soft. Your “soft on” is just as sensitive as your hard on. It’s the yin (receptive) aspect of your yang (expressive) identity, and allows you to absorb feminine essence through your penis. Pleasure your partner with your fingers, mouth and other erotic parts until she gets turned on. Her arousal will recall your Shiva energy and restore your erection.

Focus on presence and connection rather than goal orientation and climax. It’s important to go with the natural ebb and flow of your shared erotic pleasure. Kabbalist wisdom teaches that the white spaces between the letters reveal life’s deepest mysteries. So it is also in the enlightenment found in the magical, still moments between thrusts. Healthy sexuality blends giving and receiving, action and stillness into luscious cycles of divine delight. So may it be for you and for all lovers everywhere.

Howard W Morningstar, MD, is a family physician, herbalist and tantra educator.
Rabbi Sue Morningstar is a midwife, women’s health nurse practitioner and spiritual counselor.
The Morningstars, lovers for 40 years, combine over 60 years of professional experience in holistic medicine at Morningstar Healing Arts, their Ashland, Oregon family practice and healing center.

This information is not a substitute for personalized medical care. Please consult your healthcare provider before acting on any of the information presented here.

Premature Ejaculation

  “Ask the Morningstars About Sex”

We invite you to submit questions on any aspect of sexuality to us at info@loveashland.com

Please include your age and gender with your questions, and we will answer them here as wisely as we can.

Q: I’m 23 years old, and in love with the most beautiful and loving woman ever. The problem is that whenever we have intercourse I get so excited that I come right away, sometimes even before I enter her. She always says that it’s OK, but I feel like a total failure as a lover! Can you help me?

A: Premature ejaculation is a very common problem that affects up to a third of all men. The International Society for Sexual Medicine defines it as “ejaculation which always or nearly always occurs prior to or within one minute from the beginning of intercourse”. You’ve already taken your first step to success by asking for help. And besides, “success” as a lover isn’t determined simply by when you ejaculate.

The next step is to identify your problem’s personal and unique root causes, which can be psychological, medical, or structural. You can realize your full potential as a lover by healing these old wounds. As the goddess Hygeia says: “The wound reveals the cure”.

Psychological wounding around sex is the most common cause of premature ejaculation. If it’s always been an issue, you may be stuck in old patterns of sexual shame and guilt. For example, a boy who is shamed and punished when he is caught masturbating may grow up feeling unworthy and guilty about feeling sexual pleasure, and therefore climax as soon as possible while making love.

In this case, consider working with a dakini (a Tantric sexual healer) to release these harmful patterns and replace them with an appreciation of sex as a divine blessing. Your treatment plan may also include intimacy coaching, individual or couples counseling, hypnosis, acupuncture, biofeedback and emotional freedom technique (EFT).

If the problem began with a new relationship, look closely at the dynamics of the relationship. Are you feeling performance anxiety, such as fear of losing your erection? Are you experiencing poor self-image? Are you having difficulty communicating? Remember: “The wound reveals the cure”.

Medical causes of premature ejaculation include prostate problems, urinary and sexually transmitted infections, neurological illnesses, hormonal imbalances and medication side effects. Physical causes include congenital abnormalities, injury from trauma and damage from surgery. Treatment of these causes may involve starting or stopping medications, external desensitizing creams, antibiotics or hormone therapy.

While it’s best to find healing at the deepest levels of heart, mind, body and spirit, in the meantime, here are some practical tips for delaying ejaculation: Focus intensely on your lover’s arousal during foreplay. Use two condoms or a desensitizing cream. Enjoy intercourse with your lover on top. Be still as she lowers herself onto you, and allow her to control the pace of movement. Stay energetically connected through eye gazing and synchronized breathing. Feel the subtleties of mutual pleasure in each moment. Let her know when you’re getting close to orgasm so she can return to stillness. You and your partner can also learn “squeeze-release” techniques to head off unwanted ejaculations. And don’t worry if you ejaculate too soon. Stay inside her and eye gaze deeply. When you are ready, gradually build up the energy again. You’re very likely to last a lot longer the second time around.

Savor your lovemaking as a sacred blessing of love and generosity. Learn to harness Kundalini, the powerful creative energy that flows through all beings. Study Tantric or Daoist sexual techniques to become adept at delaying, intensifying and prolonging orgasm. Through these ancient wisdom traditions we transcend our ordinary selves and awaken as divine sexual beings, one with the One. When we see the divine in our lover, we experience heaven right here on earth.

Howard W Morningstar, MD, is a family physician, herbalist and tantra educator.
Rabbi Sue Morningstar is a midwife, women’s health nurse practitioner and spiritual counselor.
The Morningstars, lovers for 40 years, combine over 60 years of professional experience in holistic medicine at Morningstar Healing Arts, their Ashland, Oregon family practice and healing center.

This information is not a substitute for personalized medical care. Please consult your healthcare provider before acting on any of the information presented here.

Painful Intercourse after Menopause

“Ask the Morningstars about Sex”

We invite you to submit questions on any aspect of sexuality to us at info@loveashland.com
and we will answer them as wisely as we can
Q: “I’m 55 years old and have been in a wonderful relationship for 13 years. Since menopause, intercourse has become more and more painful for me. My partner and I have found other ways to satisfy each other, but we really want to enjoy intercourse again! What can we do?”

A: This is a common problem, and the good news is that it’s usually pretty easy to fix. In fact, we’ve found that many women enjoy the best sex of their lives after menopause! Menopause is a time of huge internal and external changes for all women. Even though some of these changes can be challenging, there’s also the potential for tremendous growth as we come into our fullness as mature wise women. It’s important to honor and nourish these opportunities.

After menopause your estrogen levels drop, causing your vaginal walls to become thin and more fragile. Your natural lubrication may also decrease, making these delicate walls even more sensitive to friction.

It’s important for you and your partner to take enough time in stimulating and connecting foreplay for you to become fully lubricated and aroused before penetration. Set your lovemaking stage for beauty and sacred connection, with candles, music, scents, eye gazing, kissing and erotic massage. Express your love and gratitude for each other and for the blessing of this union. Slowly and lovingly enjoy each level of increasing arousal. Wait till you are ready, and only then ask your partner to gently and very slowly begin caressing your genitals. Some men may be ready for intercourse within two or three minutes, but many lovers don’t realize that it takes most women more than 20 minutes of focused foreplay until they are fully aroused and ready for penetration.

Experiment with a variety of natural lubricants (we prefer 100% extra virgin coconut oil) and vary your sexual positions to see what works best for you. Direct your partner to enter you slowly and with reverence. Once he is inside you, ask for gentle, subtle pelvic rocking movements until you’re ready to enjoy vigorous thrusts. Remember, it’s about the connection, not just the anatomy.

It’s also important to exercise regularly, and to tone up your pelvic floor muscles with focused Kegels, graduated vaginal weights or a jade egg practice. Be sure to drink lots of water and eat a healthy, balanced diet, rich in essential fatty acids. Your health care provider may also recommend specific herbs, supplements, or bioidentical hormones.

Howard W Morningstar, MD, is a family physician, herbalist and tantra educator. Rabbi Sue Morningstar is a midwife, women’s health nurse practitioner and spiritual counselor. The Morningstars, lovers for 40 years, combine over 60 years of professional experience in holistic medicine at Morningstar Healing Arts, their Ashland, Oregon family practice and healing center.
www.morningstarhealingarts.net

This information is not a substitute for personalized medical care. Please consult your healthcare provider before acting on any of the information presented here.