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Q: I’m 23 years old, and in love with the most beautiful and loving woman ever. The problem is that whenever we have intercourse I get so excited that I come right away, sometimes even before I enter her. She always says that it’s OK, but I feel like a total failure as a lover! Can you help me?
A: Premature ejaculation is a very common problem that affects up to a third of all men. The International Society for Sexual Medicine defines it as “ejaculation which always or nearly always occurs prior to or within one minute from the beginning of intercourse”. You’ve already taken your first step to success by asking for help. And besides, “success” as a lover isn’t determined simply by when you ejaculate.
The next step is to identify your problem’s personal and unique root causes, which can be psychological, medical, or structural. You can realize your full potential as a lover by healing these old wounds. As the goddess Hygeia says: “The wound reveals the cure”.
Psychological wounding around sex is the most common cause of premature ejaculation. If it’s always been an issue, you may be stuck in old patterns of sexual shame and guilt. For example, a boy who is shamed and punished when he is caught masturbating may grow up feeling unworthy and guilty about feeling sexual pleasure, and therefore climax as soon as possible while making love.
In this case, consider working with a dakini (a Tantric sexual healer) to release these harmful patterns and replace them with an appreciation of sex as a divine blessing. Your treatment plan may also include intimacy coaching, individual or couples counseling, hypnosis, acupuncture, biofeedback and emotional freedom technique (EFT).
If the problem began with a new relationship, look closely at the dynamics of the relationship. Are you feeling performance anxiety, such as fear of losing your erection? Are you experiencing poor self-image? Are you having difficulty communicating? Remember: “The wound reveals the cure”.
Medical causes of premature ejaculation include prostate problems, urinary and sexually transmitted infections, neurological illnesses, hormonal imbalances and medication side effects. Physical causes include congenital abnormalities, injury from trauma and damage from surgery. Treatment of these causes may involve starting or stopping medications, external desensitizing creams, antibiotics or hormone therapy.
While it’s best to find healing at the deepest levels of heart, mind, body and spirit, in the meantime, here are some practical tips for delaying ejaculation: Focus intensely on your lover’s arousal during foreplay. Use two condoms or a desensitizing cream. Enjoy intercourse with your lover on top. Be still as she lowers herself onto you, and allow her to control the pace of movement. Stay energetically connected through eye gazing and synchronized breathing. Feel the subtleties of mutual pleasure in each moment. Let her know when you’re getting close to orgasm so she can return to stillness. You and your partner can also learn “squeeze-release” techniques to head off unwanted ejaculations. And don’t worry if you ejaculate too soon. Stay inside her and eye gaze deeply. When you are ready, gradually build up the energy again. You’re very likely to last a lot longer the second time around.
Savor your lovemaking as a sacred blessing of love and generosity. Learn to harness Kundalini, the powerful creative energy that flows through all beings. Study Tantric or Daoist sexual techniques to become adept at delaying, intensifying and prolonging orgasm. Through these ancient wisdom traditions we transcend our ordinary selves and awaken as divine sexual beings, one with the One. When we see the divine in our lover, we experience heaven right here on earth.
Howard W Morningstar, MD, is a family physician, herbalist and tantra educator.
Rabbi Sue Morningstar is a midwife, women’s health nurse practitioner and spiritual counselor.
The Morningstars, lovers for 40 years, combine over 60 years of professional experience in holistic medicine at Morningstar Healing Arts, their Ashland, Oregon family practice and healing center.
This information is not a substitute for personalized medical care. Please consult your healthcare provider before acting on any of the information presented here.