“Ask the Morningstars about Sex”
We invite you to submit questions on any aspect of sexuality to us at email@example.com
and we will answer them as wisely as we can
I’m a 29 years old and I’ve never had an orgasm. I have the kind of body that men desire and women envy. I’ve had loving relationships with wonderful men, and have gotten really good at faking it. Everyone says I am beautiful and attractive, but they don’t know that I’m dead down there. I want to have an orgasm before I turn 30!
First of all, it’s great that you’ve asked for help. That’s the most important step in solving this problem. And, it’s good to know that you are not alone. Primary anorgasmia, that is, never experiencing orgasm, affects over 10 million women in the United States. While anorgasmia is not a dangerous condition, it can be an important quality of life issue, since sexual pleasure is a fundamental part of what makes us human.
A variety of medical issues can inhibit orgasm. These include hormonal imbalances, neurologic diseases, spinal cord injuries, pelvic trauma and medication use, such as antidepressants and narcotics.
But we most often find that primary anorgasmia is rooted in early emotional wounding. Were you were raised to believe that sex is dirty or sinful? Were you shamed as a young girl for touching yourself and feeling pleasure? Were you molested or raped early in your sexual awakening? Perhaps challenging experiences with even well intended but inept partners have led you down a slippery slope of sexual frustration. If you’ve learned to associate sex with fear and pain it will be difficult for you to relax and open to pleasure. You need to feel physically and emotionally safe before you can fully surrender to your orgasmic energy.
Treatment might include counseling, hypnotherapy, kundalini yoga or other energy healing modalities to remove old obstacles and address current issues such as depression, anxiety, grief or feelings of guilt. We may also prescribe bio-identical hormones, or recommend sensitizing creams and perhaps hands on healing with a trained daka or dakini.
Many women find it’s easier at first to learn to orgasm with a solo self-pleasuring ritual. Create a sacred, private and comfortable space where you feel relaxed and free. Approach yourself as your own perfect lover, using soft lighting, music, candles and favorite scents to create an erotic ambiance. Explore yourself playfully and joyfully, at first without any particular goal or direction in mind! Be present to whatever sensations and emotions arise. Use whatever enhances your experience: natural lubricants, sex toys, wands, vibrators, water play, erotic books and movies. It’s fine to indulge in kinky fantasies or watch porn if that’s what turns you on, just be aware of pornography’s negative stereotypes and unrealistic expectations.
Be patient, persistent and playful. Make your sexual awakening a priority: Energy follows intention. Be kind to yourself and don’t feel pressured. Once you’ve achieved orgasm on your own, share your newfound knowledge with your partner. Discover what works best for you; most women rarely climax from the stimulation of intercourse alone.
Orgasmic ecstasy is our birthright. We are designed for sexual pleasure. Otherwise, why endow the clitoris with 8000 nerve endings solely for delight? Expect that your personal sexual evolution will continue to unfold throughout your life, and that your orgasmic potential will expand as you grow as a sexual being. In orgasm we merge with the divine. We expand our consciousness in union with the Infinite One.
“In the garden of the senses lies the pathway to the spirit.”
(found on the garden gate at California School of Herbal Studies, Forestville, CA)
Howard W Morningstar, MD, is a family physician, herbalist and tantra educator. Rabbi Sue Morningstar is a midwife, women’s health nurse practitioner and spiritual counselor. The Morningstars, lovers for 40 years, combine over 60 years of professional experience in holistic medicine at Morningstar Healing Arts, their Ashland, Oregon family practice and healing center.
This information is not a substitute for personalized medical care. Please consult your healthcare provider before acting on any of the information presented here.